I just came out of the most blissful meditation. I experienced the same bliss laying in bed with my thoughts last night. What a difference six months can bring. Six months ago my brain didn't belong to me. Being alone with my thoughts was scary. I was having panic attacks every other day, I was stressed out with my career path and work environment, I was overwhelmed with work life balance and worse of all I was blaming me. You see, usually its the other way around. You play victim, blame everyone else, realise its all your own fault and have this major awakening. That wasn't the case with me. I was beating myself up, blaming myself all along. I took major hits to my self esteem and self confidence. I was the quietest one in the room, when I had the most creative thoughts going on in my head. But that's where they stayed. I didn't think I measured up. I went from excelling in everything I did to competing for the slightest recognition. And I blamed myself for it. In fact, at that time, everybody around me was blaming themselves.
And then I decided that this isn't the way life should be lived. I literally just DECIDED. At that time, I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, I just knew that I had had enough of the current auto pilot, self doubting cycle. I knew I deserved better, I knew I could be a better contributor to my family, my passions, myself, society. I had dreams. I have dreams. In fact, I make time for day dreaming. There's a beautiful world out there to experience when you let our mind wander from a beautiful place. I had dreams, so real I couldn't ignore them. Dreams that today are my reality. I went to bed every single night replaying my future. Then I lived in a constant state of the future. It was benefitting me in manifesting this life. But it was also a kill joy of the present moment. But it was the only way I could fall asleep. Otherwise, I was up all night, waking up in sweats, stuck in a turmoil of my thoughts. Thinking about what I hadn't completed, anticipating putting on the cloak in the morning. That damn cloak. A very necessary cloak, or armour, protective shield, defence mechanism. Whatever necessary to withstand the competition, toxicity and others self doubt pending in the morning. The thoughts went something like: Did I remember to do this? Did I make a mistake? Who is going to call me out? Maybe they won't see the email and it will be forgotten?
Pathetic. Sad. A beautiful mind hidden behind self doubt.
So again I DECIDED. I decided it was time to walk away. I wasn't in search of something better. I knew the something better already existed. But to bring that vision into physical existence I had to do some serious inner work. I needed space and time to do that inner work. What started as superficial spa days and massages just to help me relax somehow has turned into this journey to consciousness. To figuring out the reason for my physical existence. Who am I really? No really. Not mother. Not employee. Not business woman. None of the labels. Who am I? It is such a beautiful journey. I am learning every single day to follow my intuition, my bliss, do what feels good. Allowing the feeling to bring me the physical experiences I desire. Life is so much deeper if we allow it to be. There is so much more to this physical and spiritual life. This physical experience doesn't have to be one of pain, stress and suffering. This physical experience is a privilege. Its a dimension where mind, body and soul attempt to be in alignment. And when they are, what bliss. We are meant to be here experiencing the physical world, enjoying all things physical with intentionality and not at the expense of someone else's physical suffering. Feel good. Make memories. We are all ONE. We, the earth, we are all made of the same and come from the same. So while we are here, in this time of present, we are also meant to nurture our souls. Strengthen that "who are you really?" muscle. To find out beyond the labels, why are we here.
...book coming soon.